Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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