My first STD was from a foam party
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
