just come out here and I will go home with you...
Duck Duck Cougar?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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