Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
