I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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