Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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