I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
