i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
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