We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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