the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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