He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
