anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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