if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
