I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
