I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
