No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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