i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
