My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
