i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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