Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
