Christians are straight up FREAKS
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
