I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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