mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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