new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
