I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
