My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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