When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
