Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
