When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
