I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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