could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
