Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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