I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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