We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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