just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
