Three words: puerto rican gang bang
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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