What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
