i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
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don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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