My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
How's work?
Spinning.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
