i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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