I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
