I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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