My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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