If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
