I faked an abortion last night.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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