im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My sheets look like a crime scene.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
