I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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