we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
