And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
