i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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