Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
