Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You are the jesus of drinking
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
