"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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