Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We're not piercing ourselves today.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
