I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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