NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
