If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Small penises have feelings too.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
